A Birthmother’s Perspective: Mary Griep

During the writing of Empty Arms, I got to know so many inspiring people from all corners of the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees) and hear their incredible stories. Today, reunited birthmother Mary Griep joins us to share her experience with teen pregnancy, adoption, and reunion…

Q: Welcome, Mary! Tell us, when did you discover that you were pregnant?

Mary: I discovered I was pregnant in April 1981. I was 17 years old, a senior in high school, and I had just returned from a week-long trip to Florida. My boyfriend, Barry, and I had made love the night before I left; it was an “I’ll miss you while I’m gone” gesture, so to speak. After I returned, I blacked out at school. I guess I was in denial because I never had any tests done. Finally, my friend’s mother, who worked in the OB department at our clinic, offered to run a lab test for me. It came back positive.

Q: How did you and Barry plan to handle your pregnancy? Why didn’t your plans work out?

Mary: Barry and I discussed things and he decided we should marry. I knew that I had to tell my parents and see what their thoughts were. As nervous as I was, I told them about our plan. Both had just retired the month before, after raising 9 kids (I was the baby). As you can imagine, they were very ready to start the next chapter of their lives and weren’t happy with my situation. I had a very strict Catholic upbringing, so I got the silent treatment from my dad. My mom was very unsure about the whole thing. Eventually, our wedding plans moved forward: we picked out rings, chugecked weddiotte, and selected flowers. The invites were set to go out the next week and then Barry backed out.

Q: How did you come to the decision to place your daughter for adoption? How did that decision affect you?

Mary: After Barry backed out of the wedding, I decided to move to an apartment in hopes that he’d come back. If not, I knew I’d do anything in my power to keep the baby. But by late November, it was pretty much over between us, other than an occasional phone call. And I was realizing how hard it was to live on my own with little support, a part-time job, and no car. One of my sisters hooked me up with Birthright. After some counseling, I realized I couldn’t give my baby the best life, so I made the hardest decision I’ve ever made: to place her for adoption with Catholic charities. Now for those wanting to adopt, or put their child up for adoption, always make sure to go through a licensed adoption agency to keep the adoption processes legal and above board, as well allowing the child to have the best life possible.

Q: What was your delivery experience like? Did you get to see or hold your daughter?

Mary: I moved back home until the day “Kari” was born, in early January 1982. My oldest sister was there to coach me through labor and delivery. I saw and held my daughter every day while I was in the hospital. January 14th was the last day I saw my beautiful baby girl. “Until we meet again” were my last words to her…and then she was gone. I gave the adoption agency our contact information as well as a letter for her to read when she was older. I knew I would do anything I could to find her someday.

Q: What was your life like after you gave up “Kari”? Did you feel different?

Mary: I felt very different after she was gone; it was like a part of me was missing, like a death. My life was incomplete.

Q: What happened to Barry? How did that impact your life?

Mary: Sadly, Barry was killed in a car crash on July 10, 1983, which prompted me to write the agency. Her adoptive parents got the letter and replied with a recent photograph sent through the agency. After Barry’s death, I felt a big loss, and it hurt to know that he’d never meet his daughter.

Q: In 1999, you and your family decided that you needed to find your daughter. What challenges did you encounter during your search? How did you finally find her?

Mary: Around my daughter’s 18th birthday, my husband and I and our two kids decided that we needed to find her, so we started our search. With the help of a fellow birthmother, we located her through courthouse records. It was easier than I ever dreamed possible. In January 2000, I got a phone call from the adoption agency telling me that my daughter had been there on her 18th birthday searching for my information. I felt like my dream was coming true; she wanted to know me as badly as I wanted to know her!

Q: What was your reunion like?

Mary: On July 9, 2001, Kathryne (the name given to her by her adoptive parents) and I were reunited after more than 19 years. After emailing one another for some time, we met at a park in a town located between both of our hometowns. Her adoptive mom brought her, met me, and left us alone for several hours of staring, never-ending questions, hugging, crying, and then some shopping before we parted ways. Our reunion was wonderful. Ironically, it took place 18 years and 1 day after Barry’s death; in the same town where his accident happened.

Q: What is your relationship with Kathryne like today? Has your family been accepting of her?

Mary: Our relationship is great! We keep in touch with emails and text messages, and we get together about 3 times a year. We have been a big part of each other’s lives for ten years now. All of my family is very accepting of her and she is included in all of our get-togethers. She truly is one of us! In fact, several of my family members and I were lucky enough to be included in her wedding last October.

As for Kathryne, she wishes she could meet her birth father, and someday she will, but until then she is enjoying her extended family.

Q: How has this experience impacted your life?

Mary: I am whole now. My dream has come true and I still have to pinch myself every now and then to be sure this is real. I am blessed.

Putting a child up for adoption is a big decision, it can be very hard for someone to do, but in some cases, it is the only option they can do. Similarly, adopting a child can be equally big to take on, if you are thinking about taking that option of adopting, it might be best for you to check out The Ultimate Guide to Adopting a Child to prepare yourself for what may happen.

Has your life been touched by adoption? If so, I’d love to hear from you!
Send me an e-mail: [email protected]